Transcription:

Scott Webb: Emerson Hospital has teamed up with Turning Life On, a local grassroots movement to create a digital wellness program. Digital wellness is using technology with intention to achieve optimal physical, mental, and spiritual health, enhance relationships, safety, and privacy, and increase our ability to learn and be productive.

The goals of this partnership are to increase awareness of the many impacts that devices have on youth today. And to provide research-backed tips that empower families to make healthy choices about digital media use. Through this podcast, our guests will discuss the six pillars of digital wellness and how we can support our youth in balancing their device use to optimize their overall health and development.

This is the Health Works Here podcast from Emerson Hospital. I'm Scott Webb. This episode will feature Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, a clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age. And we'll also be joined by Adrienne Principe of Turning Life On. Adrienne, so glad to have you back here, which pillars are we talking about today?

Adrienne Principe: So today, we're going to be talking about mental health and relationships. based on the Emerson Hospital Youth Risk Behavior Survey, we're seeing concerning statistics in our communities. Students are hiding social media accounts from their parents and the rates in which sixth and eighth-graders are seriously considering suicide and attempting suicide have gone up.

There's some research that shows a correlation between social media use and the decline in mental health amongst youth. But this relationship is curvilinear, meaning negative effects seem to be most prevalent with higher use. While youth with light use fair better than those with no use. We know from anecdotal stories and from listening to teens that there are positive impacts of social media use too, especially during a pandemic. Surveys tell us that youth are using their devices to connect with peers and to learn.

Dr. Steiner-Adair, thanks so much for talking with us today. Could you share your clinical experience with us? How is the mental health of our kids affected by the use of devices?

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: The mental health of our kids is affected both positively and negatively by the use of their devices. I think that during the pandemic, you can't even talk about screen time as an item, because there are so many differentiated ways to think about using technology and screens. And, you know, joining together mental health and relationships is really on target right now during the pandemic with technology, because technology is the primary way kids can maintain their relationships.

So when used wisely to do any kinds of the visual face to face connecting that you can do with your friends, is lifesaving and critically important. And it's important for parents to understand that all the times during the day that your kids would be hanging out in the halls before school, after school, all that chatting and all that necessary connecting that makes them feel like they have a strong sense of self and that they're engaged in meaningful social connections, that's happening through technology now. And thank goodness we have the option.

On the other hand, we know that adolescence and young adolescence are times where kids are very sensitive to how other people see them. And they exaggerate their sense of how much people are looking at them and paying attention to them. And one of the things they don't want to be is different from other people so often at least. And one of the things that we see technology doing and social media doing is, uh, in several ways, heightening and playing off of the vulnerability of teenagers along the lines of "What do other people think of me?"

And kids today have the opposite experience They go to school. And there's drama for sure in the hallways, but the values of the school, honesty, compassion, caring are all over the walls. And there are grownups reminding them to be their best selves.

And then they go home they go on social media sites and there's nobody reminding them to be their best selves. And they are in a situation where their own anxiety about missing out what we call FOMO, fear of missing out, has them glued often to social media sites. And whether it's Instagram or YouTube or somebody's snap, it doesn't matter. And this is further compounded, and this is so important to understand, by the way, technology is designed to grab their attention and literally addict them to social media. And their brains are so vulnerable to, the stimulant of a phone. every time you hear a ping or get a text or get an email, it's a stimulant to your brain.

And as a species, we crave stimulants and teenagers crave the stimulant of social connection. And unfortunately, what happens is the social media apps are designed to keep them engaged, and sadly on many, not all at all, but many sites have a culture where it's kind of cool to humiliate other people. or to post an embarrassing picture or to do something that kids normally wouldn't necessarily do face-to-face.

So it's a perfect storm of a neurological vulnerability, a healthy need for connection, and the normal vulnerability of adolescents to make sure they're in the know of what's going on, that has led to what we're seeing on the downside, a spike in social anxiety, perfectionism, body image issues, self-harm; some cases, suicidal ideation; rarely, but still, suicide, and just feeling really insecure in a more ordinary way that makes it really hard to feel happy excited or engaged.

One of the things that is important to remember though is for kids who are growing up in communities or families where they're on the margin or they're not accepted for who they are, the capacity to connect online is often life-saving.

Adrienne Principe: So there are some perfect examples of how we need technology to communicate right now during COVID and that it does help marginalized groups, to connect, which is important for these groups. I've also heard that sometimes when kids are facing a real problem or challenge that it's easier for them to reach out for help via texting or some online channel versus picking up the phone or approaching somebody in person.

And then, all the potential downfalls and, especially during adolescence when their frontal lobes aren't fully developed. So you have that coupled with persuasive design, which is the way the technology is designed to keep kids choosing it. The fact that they're trying to develop their sense of self and they're being influenced by what they're seeing online.

So let's talk about some practical tips. when we think about mental health, we're talking about prioritizing that self-worth, about building resilience so, kids are able to deal with the challenges of media and the experiences that they're having online, and then committing to positivity. So what suggestions do you have for parents and kids as it relates to this pillar?

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: what we know is you can teach optimism to kids and you can teach a growth mindset to kids., one thing that parents can do is when your children are sort of globalizing a bad experience, you know, really help them break it down. And a little mantra that I think is really helpful for parents is what's the opposite reaction you could have to that. You know, "I'll never pass", or "Nobody likes me," and then how do you help them look the flip side of that. It's a cognitive-behavioral, dialectical behavioral, tool that's very helpful.

I think that one of the mistakes parents often make is that they try and fix things for their kids, rather than help their kids figure out how to fix them for themselves we can create and teach our kids to be much more resilient in the face of disappointment. And that kind of resiliency actually strengthens their sense of self.

Adrienne Principe: That's really great. I've talked to my kids a lot about that growth mindset and how when they say, "I can't do..." whatever it is and with always adding that yet to the end. "I can't do multiplication yet." and then I'll even go as far as drawing a picture for them of their-- "This is your brain, and this is the activity that you're trying to do. And when you do it once, the path is really narrow, but the more times you go back and forth." And I'll draw it with a pencil and show them or even make the analogy of the first time you walk through the woods, it's hard to find the path, but the more times you walk through the woods, the easier it is to get there. And that's what's happening in your brain when you're practicing these skills.

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: That's such a great thing to do, Adrienne. By high school, certainly, by the end of high school, you can't control what your kids are doing with technology, but what you can do is give them the research and the science so that they feel like they are in control and making really smart choices. And my experience is that when you do that, kids want to protect their capacity to be a good friend, and they figure out how to use tech, as a tool to facilitate and enhance that,

Adrienne Principe: it's really important that kids understand how their brains are developing during adolescence so that they can take control of the way that they're using technology so that they're aware of the persuasive design and how the technology companies are shaping the way that they're using tech.

So the other pillar that we wanted to talk about today is relationships. Can you talk a little bit about why it's important to engage in meaningful conversations?

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: think about what you do with your baby from the minute they're born. You coo, you make eye contact, you tickle, you sing songs. we know from research from birth, we are highly, highly relational creatures. And the problem is that with technology-mediated, especially with texting, you eliminate the two most essential tools for any relationships.

first of all, tone of voice. I can't tell you how many times, a teenager or a grownup has come to therapy, tells me about a fight or a conflict, and they hand me their phone and they say, "Now, tell me what you think." And the word that they're asking me to decipher is S-O-R-R-Y. Is it snarky sorry? "Oh my God. I'm so sorry." Is it an authentic I'm really sorry? They have no clue.

And this is the problem with technology., we don't know the tone of voice and it is our tone of voice that gives our words meaning, which is why it's so important to say to your children "I love you" and not just text it. And why it's so important not to text your kids during the day at school because this is a story I hear all the time from kids. "I can't believe it. My parents are so uptight about my grades. My mom texted me during the school day. 'How did you do on your tests?'" Now, you might be texting from your loving, supportive mommy tone of voice. "Hey, honey. How did the test go?" But you don't know how they're going to hear that in their inner tone of voice, that they're going to project onto your texts and many kids see it as a pressurized question. So texting eliminates tone of voice and that causes tons of drama.

And the other thing that texting eliminates, which is what we teach children so early on, even when they're non-verbal, how to read social cues. What's the impact of your words on the other person? You read their body language. And when we can't see somebody's face or how our words or texts are landing, we're missing out on developing our capacity to read a crowd, our capacity to fall in love. I mean, it's that significant and important. And we develop these skills in face-to-face play and relationships and talking to people.

Adrienne Principe: I heard a statistic that 93% of communication is non-verbal.

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: I think that's really true. I mean, a huge amount of communication is non-verbal. one of the sad things that I hear from college kids and young adults is, it's so ironic, we're the most connected generation in history, but we don't even know how to flirt. We don't know how to fall in love. We don't know how to be intimate, which I don't think is true across the board, but we do see a decline for sure in certain kinds of meaningful relationships. And we know that the more you are on dating sites and the more you stay texting with somebody versus meeting them face-to-face, the less likely the relationship is to be strong and intimate and loving and wonderful.

Adrienne Principe: And you mentioned from when our children are first born, we're communicating with them. And in your book, you also talk about how parental distraction impacts possibly the most important relationship that there is, right, that between a parent and a child. so it's important for parents to model, appropriate communication skills as well as teaching them.

Through the research we've conducted with Emerson, we've identified ways to achieve digital wellness as it relates to relationships, So the things that we talk about are strengthening our relationship with ourselves, engaging meaningful social connections, and sharing authentically. Can you share, two to three practical tips

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: when you say strengthen your relationship with yourself, one of the things that everybody needs to continue to develop is the reflective connection to yourself offline, the capacity for solitude, and to be quiet with yourself, and identify your own emotions and identify what you need in the moment is really critical. And the capacity for solitude is linked to so much creativity, motivation, love, relationships, for sure. So taking care of yourself right now, especially during the pandemic, when out of necessity so much of our working and socializing is happening through technology-mediated devices.

Make sure you go for walks, make sure you, take breaks from technology. Most of all, make sure you have no screens of any kind in your bedroom because that undermines sleep dramatically. There's no question about that. Gather everybody's phone, including your own, all devices and put them in the master bedroom closet, because that way your kids won't sneak and get them out of the family room.

The other ways in which you want to strengthen your sense of self and your connection to yourself is to read for pleasure. And make sure that you protect times of connection like meal times and walk with friends, then in terms of, you know, engaging in meaningful social connections, that can happen on devices, the bigger the screen, the better, and when you're talking to people across the country or in a different time zone, whatever, when we talk at a normal pace and can see each other's expressions, you know, sometimes that's the best we can do and that's important.

And, you know, as we talked about earlier, these devices are very powerful stimulants to our brains. The persuasive design is designed to keep us on our device. So when your child is standing there, put down your screen top, turn your phone off, turn to them and remind yourself that this is the person you love, because the other thing that happens to us is when we come off these stimulants, we're edgy and annoyed. our tone of voice is very different. So, you know, I say to myself, "Be sweet," you know, because kids are very funny when I interview them, they mimic their parent's tone of voice. "Hey mom, we're going to be late for school." "Huh? Wait. Hold on. This is important." You know, we're so short, because we are so caught in the siren of the screen.

So protect certain times of days to connect to your kids. They need us at meal time. They need us during their breaks, to take breaks ourselves and really stash your phone in another place. Nothing signals to a child that you are fully present to them than your willingness to remove your phone physically from an interaction with them.

we've developed this new norm that's so disruptive to our capacity to be present to one another and to really let our kids know they matter to us and in the middle of a conversation our phone goes off and we quote, say, "Hold on, honey, I just have to check." And when you think about what we're doing, we're asking them to stand frozen in time as if we could hit a pause button on a movie while we go into a conversation with someone who's not even physically present in the room. And it's hurtful and it's rude and it's frustrating.

one of the best things parents can do is protect the quality of uninterrupted time with their children throughout the day.

Adrienne Principe: We have a rule in our house and its people come first. And so that applies when friends are over, when family's over, when, we're sitting down at the dinner table together, or I'm tucking my kids in at night, it's just the rule is always people come first.

Of course, I make mistakes. I'm not a perfect parent. I do say, you know, "Hold on one second," but I think it's, important that we have some of those guidelines as parents and that, at the end of the day, we take some of that time alone as you mentioned to reflect on the day and maybe what went wrong and what we could improve upon and then every day is a new day to start over and, to put some of these suggestions into practice.

And many of the things that you mentioned, self-reflection, no screens in the bedroom to protect sleep, reading for pleasure. Those are all suggestions that enhance our relationships. They also protect our mental health, which two things we're talking about today, but they also help our physical health, our spiritual health, enhance our learning and productivity, keep us safe. So we talk about how there's some overlap with these pillars and these suggestions, are definitely really strong ones that protect us and help us to achieve digital wellness, which is the goal of this podcast.

So thank you so much for all these wonderful suggestions. It was great having this conversation

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: The last thing I will say to you is just, you know, cut yourself some slack. These are really stressful, hard times. And, you know, one of the, most important things to do for parents is just give yourself some grace and know that none of us ever, experts, me, anybody, we never, you know, get it all right. The more you can take good care of yourself, the better able you'll be to be there for your kids.

Adrienne Principe: Awesome. Thank you.

Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair: You're so welcome. Thank you.

Scott Webb: Turning Life On and Emerson Hospital are working together to convene teams of parents, teens, clinicians, and mental health professionals to discuss digital media use challenges and best practices specific to our digital wellness pillars. This work will offer anecdotal evidence to further support our research-based suggestions.

And if you're interested in getting involved with this project or learning more, please visit EmersonHospital.org/digitalwellness. And thanks for listening to Emerson's Health Works Here, podcast. I'm Scott Webb and make sure to catch the next episode by subscribing to the Health Works Here podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever podcasts can be heard.