Being in a loving relationship can be such an euphoric time. As you grow into your relationship, everything new can be exciting, and before you even realize it, you're head over heels.
However, depending on how long you've been with your partner, you might find that life has thrown just about every curveball at your relationship; you have a demanding job, you're involved in social clubs, you may have a kid (or two)... all leaving you little room for intimacy.
Romance in your relationship might have found a more comforting level, which might have put a halt to you and your partners sex life. However, on romantic holidays, like an anniversary, it can create an overwhelming pressure and expectation for you to show affection, appreciation, and achieve the best sex ever. It might also be a great time to ask yourself, when was the last time you and your partner tried something new?
Not to worry, there are five ways you can reinvigorate your love life and give you an opportunity to try something new in the bedroom with your partner.
What are these five things to reinvigorate your love life?
- Keep boredom out of the bedroom.
- Give yourself permission to try something new.
- Pay attention to your body's rhythms.
- Don't confine sex to the nighttime.
- Look into alternative sex practices.
Dudley Danoff, MD, FACS, joins Melanie Cole, MS, to discuss five ways you can reinvigorate your love life.
Transcription:
RadioMD Presents:Staying Well | Original Air Date: February 16, 2015
Host: Melanie Cole, MS
Guest, Dudley Seth Danoff, MD
MELANIE: You know, even if it’s not a romantic holiday time of the year, as the one that’s just recently passed, you know, there’s a lot of pressure—overwhelming pressure and expectations—for a couple to achieve the best sex ever or to have a great sex life and where is that line that you draw between friendship, passion, a good relationship and where does sex fall into that line?
My guest is Dr. Dudley Danoff. He’s the president and founder of Cedars-Sinai Tower Urology Group in Los Angeles.
Welcome to the show Dr. Danoff. So, let’s talk about some of the very best advice that you give people for reinvigorating their sex life or their love life. Romance, sex. How does it all tie together?
DR. DANOFF: Well, there’s lots of ways. I’m a mainstream urologist, but I have some good advice for just what you’re looking for. I think the main thing for me, is keep boredom out of the bedroom. I just can’t emphasize that point enough. Do everything in your power to prevent sex from becoming dull and routine and nothing will bring passion and romance back to a long-term relationship faster than change in sexual practice or venue. So, number one, Melanie, keep boredom out of the bedroom.
MELANIE: Okay. Number one, keeping boredom out of the bedroom. That is not easy if your partner or yourself are inhibited. Give us another one because then we’re going to talk about these with as much time as we have on how to get that going. So, let’s go on to the next one.
DR. DANOFF: Well, certainly for any listeners that are inhibited, I would say give yourself permission to try something new. Take the afternoon off. Surprise your wife or your girlfriend. Check into a motel. Go to the mountains to a cabin. Duck away. But give yourself permission to try that something new.
MELANIE: Great advice because people don’t always do that. They think with all this Fifty Shades of Grey stuff, you know, that really that’s all just too kinky. You know? But trying something new doesn’t mean that you have to use handcuffs and whips and things.
DR. DANOFF: No. I mean, look, that’s just way, way, way over the top. I think people are more curious about that. I don’t think anybody’s going to imitate the scenes from that movie—at least—I haven’t seen it yet, but from what I understand.
MELANIE: Yes, well, and I mean, the whole thing is that people don’t know whether or not that’s what it means or whether giving yourself permission to try something new is really like that. Now, so give us another one about maybe body rhythms and what does that even mean?
DR. DANOFF: Well, I think you raise an excellent point, Melanie. Pay attention to your body rhythms. I don’t doubt that fatigue affects sexual energy because it does and, therefore, I encourage my patients to pay really close attention to the ways in which their bodies respond to different emotional and physical conditions and it’s fundamentally important that all of your listeners are aware of their body’s rhythm. Your sexual responsiveness will change with stress, fatigue, anxiety, sickness. You might be more alert in the morning or more alert in the evening and so, I think you have to pay attention to those rhythms and act accordingly.
MELANIE: I think that that’s probably true. You do have to pay attention to your body’s rhythms—when it feels right, when it doesn’t. Now, what about, you know, sex at different times? Nighttime, daytime. Families—people with children-- feel like the nighttime’s the only time it’s safe because kids aren’t going to walk into the room, but what about all the different times available?
DR. DANOFF: Well, everybody’s—we’ll call it a biologic time clock—is a little bit different. Perhaps your energy level is highest in the morning and at the end of the day, you’re fatigued. The office has gotten you. The kids have gotten you. So, I do think it’s great to vary the time of your sexual activity, but as you say, sometimes you’re restricted just by the constraints of the day. But, I would certainly encourage your listeners to have sex at the time of day when their energy level is the highest and perhaps that’s early morning or if you can sneak away in the middle of the afternoon, that would just be great.
MELANIE: It would be just great and it’s so much easier to say than to do, but once you do it, I think then you realize, “Well, why couldn’t we have done this before?”
Just to recap, Dr. Danoff has suggested keeping boredom out of the bedroom. Give yourself permission to try something new. Pay attention to your body’s rhythms. Don’t confine sex to just the nighttime. Try different times of the day. And now the last one, look into alternative sex practices. What does that mean, Dr. Danoff?
DR. DANOFF: Well, you know, I don’t know how racy your radio audience is, but I think it speaks…
MELANIE: Oh, go ahead.
(laughter)
DR. DANOFF: I think it speaks for itself. You know, the missionary position isn’t the only position for having sex and I think you have to be imaginative and be creative. I’m for anything between two consenting adults as long as they practice safe sex. I mean, I’m a mainstream urologist and I don’t want to see anybody doing anything that is not medically safe to do, but short of that, there are no holds--H-O-L-D-S--barred in sexual activity, unlike in professional wrestling.
MELANIE: Well, you know now, when we talk about stress and anxiety. So much stress in our days, Dr. Danoff. We’re all so busy and financial and kids and blah, blah--work and everything. How do we relax enough to have a good sex life or get our mate to do that if our husband or our spouse is always really stressed out and just can’t seem to get things going. What do you do about that?
DR. DANOFF: Well, I like the phrase “compartmentalize”. So, leave the stress of the office. Leave the stress of the kids. Imagine a little black box outside the bedroom door. Just lock all that stuff right up in there and don’t let it enter the bedroom. And, of course, when all else fails, I think getting down on one knee and begging always works.
(laughter)
DR. DANOFF: At least, in my family.
MELANIE: That’s funny. Yeah, well, I imagine begging would work pretty well in most situations.
DR. DANOFF: Great.
MELANIE: And, you know, when do you worry? When do you worry? We only have about a minute and a half left, but when do you worry that you’re not having sex and maybe it is a problem whether a problem in the relationship or a problem with low T or some kind of physiological problem?
DR. DANOFF: Yes. I think if things are not working—I, particularly, have reference to the male—but if things are not working in the male apparatus, I think it’s time to see the urologist. It could be hypertension. It could be diabetes. It could be some vascular problem. It could be hypercholesterolemia. So, we have to look for a medical problem if things are not working. And, if, after we’ve eliminated all of the medical problems, then we go to the psychological problems.
MELANIE: So, a man shouldn’t be afraid or embarrassed to come and see you to say, “You know what? I’m having some issues in the bedroom. I love my wife, but…”
DR. DANOFF: Yes.
MELANIE: And then, maybe it is actually something physiological and you can work with them and figure it out.
DR. DANOFF: Absolutely. We do blood screening. We do vascular screening. It’s simple. It’s straightforward. It’s to the point and men cannot be the macho guy, expecting to catch the pass in the last moment of the Super Bowl. You’ve got to see your doctor. Women wouldn’t miss their PAP smear or a breast examination and a man has to come in for his annual physical, and particularly if he’s having trouble in the bedroom.
MELANIE: Well, you know, Dr. Danoff, it is us women that get our men in to the doctor and mostly, they’re afraid of urologists such as yourself with big hands.
DR. DANOFF: No, I have a smiling face, a gentle touch and I give everybody a kiss. I promise you.
MELANIE: Oh, you’re so sweet. Now, just in the last 30 seconds here, best advice for alleviating boredom and having that reinvigorated wonderful sex and relationship life.
DR. DANOFF: The greatest aphrodisiac is not rhinoceros horn or goat testes, it’s absolutely love itself. Love from the heart, love from the spirit, love deep down from your soul and that works every single time, Melanie.
MELANIE: That is absolutely great advice. So, remember. There are lots of ways to reinvigorate your love life. So, check some of them out. If you missed any of the great information, you can listen any time on demand or on the go at RadioMD.com.
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This is Melanie Cole for RadioMD. Stay well.
Dudley Seth Danoff, MD, FACS, is president and founder of the Cedars-Sinai Tower Urology Group in Los Angeles, a Diplomate of the American Board of Urology, a Fellow of the American College of Surgeons, and the author of two books on men's health.