The Role of Forgiveness in Addiction Recovery
From the Show: Stoughton Hospital Health Talk
Summary:
Air Date: 1/20/21
Duration: 10 Minutes
In the next episode of our forgiveness series, Tim Markle discusses the role forgiveness plays in addiction recovery.
Transcription:
Melanie: Welcome to Stoughton Health Talk. I'm Melanie Cole, and I invite you to listen in this series as we discuss the role of forgiveness in addiction recovery. And joining us is Tim Markle. He's the founder of Forgiveness Factor and an instructor at Stoughton Health and a contributor to the International Forgiveness Institute.
Tim, it's a pleasure to have you join us again today. This is such a great series that we're doing here. So let's talk about this topic. Overcoming addiction is so hard, whether it's alcohol or drugs or cigarettes or food or whatever it is. How can forgiving others and ourselves help us to recover from some of these addictions? Tell us a little bit about how these two things are interlinked.
Tim Markle: Well, Melanie, one of the hardest things for addicts and I speak again from my own experience as being in recovery from alcohol for over 30 years now, the fact that relapse is one of the hardest things to overcome. That as an addict, every time that we fall down, we think that we're ruined, we start to believe that we're never going to recover, we lose hope.
And so one of the areas that forgiveness can enter into is to help that person to forgive themselves for that relapse, to forgive themselves for the actions that they took during their active addictive times. It's that whole sense of, you know, "I know I did something bad, but it was the alcohol, but yet I've still got to take the responsibility." Well, forgiveness can help us do that in a safe way without continually beating ourselves up about it, which then only leads to more relapse.
Melanie: Well, it certainly does. And I guess that's that vicious cycle, because then we would berate ourselves and, when you feel that way, then you look for solace in whatever it is that you have an issue with. So, is it a part for the person suffering from addiction as well as loved ones that they may have hurt? How does forgiveness fit into-- you know, there's 12-step processes, there's addiction treatment available, how does forgiveness fit into that parameter of treatment that may be available?
Tim Markle: Oh, absolutely. It's one of the areas that if you follow a 12-step group, is you get to the point where you're asked to make a list of people that you've harmed and be prepared to make amends to them. You're asked to make a list of-- some people call it their grudge list. Some people call it just their factors, the areas of themselves that they don't like, that don't work very well.
And so as part of making that list is we will come across people that have really hurt us, is usually addiction doesn't come from a life perfectly lived by others around us, is there some pain that's been involved in our life that has led us to want to escape this life that has led us to want us to not live the life that's in front of me, but to live a fantasy life, to live a different life, just to get out of this.
And so we turn to our addictions to get out of this life. Well, what if we look at those resentments and we look at the people that hurt us and we begin to actually not just pretend that they didn't happen, not just cover them up with addiction, but to work through them and to be able to actually lessen the resentment, not just pretend it's not there. But to actually work through and forgiveness is one of those ways that we can work through those resentments, that we can take an honest look at who hurt us, how has it affected us? Is what I'm doing working? I mean, if my addiction is working for me, then chances are I'm not going to get into their addiction recovery. It's working for me, but usually we get into recovery because something's screwed up and I need help. My way isn't working.
So we admit our way isn't working. And then we start to look at the person that hurt us and we reframe them as a human being and not as a monster, that we take a look at who they are to understand them better, not to let them off the hook, but to understand who they are better so that we could see that it is a hurt person who has hurt us. And to then be able to show compassion. One of the hardest things that I think addicts have is to show compassion for themselves as well as for other people, is we get into a very rigid model of right or wrong thinking. And so drinking is wrong. Not drinking is right.
Well, what do we do if we have somebody who is in our life that drinks, but maybe not to excess, are they right, are they wrong? And so this gray area gets really hard to live in. So forgiveness helps us to understand that people are not all one thing or all another thing. I am not all one thing or all another. I am more than my mistakes. I am more than my addictions. I am more than my worst day and so are the people that have hurt me, is they are more than their worst day as well.
Melanie: Well, then who does the forgiving? I mean, does it have to be on both sides? If someone has addiction issues and they are then going to the person that they may have hurt or are they asking for forgiveness? Who does the forgiving, Tim?
Tim Markle: Well, let's talk a little bit about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. So forgiveness is an individual act and it's a choice, it's a decision. The addict can go through forgiveness to work on forgiving themselves and work on forgiving the people that have hurt them in their life. But it is also important that the people that have been affected by the addict's behavior can also work through forgiveness to forgive the addict for the chaos that they have caused in their life.
Now, again, working through forgiveness doesn't mean you welcome that chaos back in, but you begin to understand where that person's hurt is coming from, and you understand how to set up boundaries so that they don't continually run rampant through your life. Now, when we get to the fact where the addict is recovering and is working through forgiveness and has approached someone and said, "You know what? I have hurt you. And I ask for your forgiveness" or "I forgive you for what happened growing up. I want to have a relationship with you." And the other person says, "Yes, I want to work on forgiving you as well and I want to restore that relationship." When both sides want to restore that relationship, that's reconciliation.
But each side can work on forgiveness without reconciliation. You don't have to wait on the other person. You get to work forgiveness for yourself, whether you are the addict or whether you are the person affected by the addictive behavior.
Melanie: Wow. So as we're wrapping up here, how does it help? Tell us how it works to work on forgiveness while you're also working on your addiction? Does it make it easier to help with your addiction issues or does it make it tougher? Now this is yet another thing, like, do we take it in steps and try and work on one thing at a time? Or is forgiveness something that we can work on while we are working on whatever issues we are working on?
Tim Markle: Looking over some of the literature that's coming out, it looks to me that forgiveness can be added into addiction therapy. It could become part of whatever 12-step facilitation therapy. It could be part of one of the acceptance-based modalities that people use, like a mindfulness approach can also incorporate forgiveness. And so it can be part of the recovery. It's not separate from what we're working on with the 12 steps.
There's some excellent books out there about how 12 steps and forgiveness can go along, could go together and there's been some research on this. And so what they're showing is that forgiveness actually can become a resilient factor. It can become one of those things that if an addict starts to forgive themselves and forgive others, they have a better chance of staying sober. And that's what we as addicts want, is we want our best chance to stay sober. For me, working through forgiveness and trying to live a life of forgiveness is one of the ways that I stay sober. It keeps me away from my addictions.
Melanie: Such an interesting series we are having here with Stoughton Hospital, Tim, thank you so much for contributing to this series in such a meaningful way and sharing your incredible expertise and personal experiences. It makes these episodes so much more relatable.
And that concludes this episode of Stoughton Health Talk. Please visit our website at StoughtonHealth.com. You can also visit ForgivenessFactor.org for more information on these topics. Please remember to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and all the other Stoughton Hospital podcasts. I'm Melanie Cole.
Melanie: Welcome to Stoughton Health Talk. I'm Melanie Cole, and I invite you to listen in this series as we discuss the role of forgiveness in addiction recovery. And joining us is Tim Markle. He's the founder of Forgiveness Factor and an instructor at Stoughton Health and a contributor to the International Forgiveness Institute.
Tim, it's a pleasure to have you join us again today. This is such a great series that we're doing here. So let's talk about this topic. Overcoming addiction is so hard, whether it's alcohol or drugs or cigarettes or food or whatever it is. How can forgiving others and ourselves help us to recover from some of these addictions? Tell us a little bit about how these two things are interlinked.
Tim Markle: Well, Melanie, one of the hardest things for addicts and I speak again from my own experience as being in recovery from alcohol for over 30 years now, the fact that relapse is one of the hardest things to overcome. That as an addict, every time that we fall down, we think that we're ruined, we start to believe that we're never going to recover, we lose hope.
And so one of the areas that forgiveness can enter into is to help that person to forgive themselves for that relapse, to forgive themselves for the actions that they took during their active addictive times. It's that whole sense of, you know, "I know I did something bad, but it was the alcohol, but yet I've still got to take the responsibility." Well, forgiveness can help us do that in a safe way without continually beating ourselves up about it, which then only leads to more relapse.
Melanie: Well, it certainly does. And I guess that's that vicious cycle, because then we would berate ourselves and, when you feel that way, then you look for solace in whatever it is that you have an issue with. So, is it a part for the person suffering from addiction as well as loved ones that they may have hurt? How does forgiveness fit into-- you know, there's 12-step processes, there's addiction treatment available, how does forgiveness fit into that parameter of treatment that may be available?
Tim Markle: Oh, absolutely. It's one of the areas that if you follow a 12-step group, is you get to the point where you're asked to make a list of people that you've harmed and be prepared to make amends to them. You're asked to make a list of-- some people call it their grudge list. Some people call it just their factors, the areas of themselves that they don't like, that don't work very well.
And so as part of making that list is we will come across people that have really hurt us, is usually addiction doesn't come from a life perfectly lived by others around us, is there some pain that's been involved in our life that has led us to want to escape this life that has led us to want us to not live the life that's in front of me, but to live a fantasy life, to live a different life, just to get out of this.
And so we turn to our addictions to get out of this life. Well, what if we look at those resentments and we look at the people that hurt us and we begin to actually not just pretend that they didn't happen, not just cover them up with addiction, but to work through them and to be able to actually lessen the resentment, not just pretend it's not there. But to actually work through and forgiveness is one of those ways that we can work through those resentments, that we can take an honest look at who hurt us, how has it affected us? Is what I'm doing working? I mean, if my addiction is working for me, then chances are I'm not going to get into their addiction recovery. It's working for me, but usually we get into recovery because something's screwed up and I need help. My way isn't working.
So we admit our way isn't working. And then we start to look at the person that hurt us and we reframe them as a human being and not as a monster, that we take a look at who they are to understand them better, not to let them off the hook, but to understand who they are better so that we could see that it is a hurt person who has hurt us. And to then be able to show compassion. One of the hardest things that I think addicts have is to show compassion for themselves as well as for other people, is we get into a very rigid model of right or wrong thinking. And so drinking is wrong. Not drinking is right.
Well, what do we do if we have somebody who is in our life that drinks, but maybe not to excess, are they right, are they wrong? And so this gray area gets really hard to live in. So forgiveness helps us to understand that people are not all one thing or all another thing. I am not all one thing or all another. I am more than my mistakes. I am more than my addictions. I am more than my worst day and so are the people that have hurt me, is they are more than their worst day as well.
Melanie: Well, then who does the forgiving? I mean, does it have to be on both sides? If someone has addiction issues and they are then going to the person that they may have hurt or are they asking for forgiveness? Who does the forgiving, Tim?
Tim Markle: Well, let's talk a little bit about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. So forgiveness is an individual act and it's a choice, it's a decision. The addict can go through forgiveness to work on forgiving themselves and work on forgiving the people that have hurt them in their life. But it is also important that the people that have been affected by the addict's behavior can also work through forgiveness to forgive the addict for the chaos that they have caused in their life.
Now, again, working through forgiveness doesn't mean you welcome that chaos back in, but you begin to understand where that person's hurt is coming from, and you understand how to set up boundaries so that they don't continually run rampant through your life. Now, when we get to the fact where the addict is recovering and is working through forgiveness and has approached someone and said, "You know what? I have hurt you. And I ask for your forgiveness" or "I forgive you for what happened growing up. I want to have a relationship with you." And the other person says, "Yes, I want to work on forgiving you as well and I want to restore that relationship." When both sides want to restore that relationship, that's reconciliation.
But each side can work on forgiveness without reconciliation. You don't have to wait on the other person. You get to work forgiveness for yourself, whether you are the addict or whether you are the person affected by the addictive behavior.
Melanie: Wow. So as we're wrapping up here, how does it help? Tell us how it works to work on forgiveness while you're also working on your addiction? Does it make it easier to help with your addiction issues or does it make it tougher? Now this is yet another thing, like, do we take it in steps and try and work on one thing at a time? Or is forgiveness something that we can work on while we are working on whatever issues we are working on?
Tim Markle: Looking over some of the literature that's coming out, it looks to me that forgiveness can be added into addiction therapy. It could become part of whatever 12-step facilitation therapy. It could be part of one of the acceptance-based modalities that people use, like a mindfulness approach can also incorporate forgiveness. And so it can be part of the recovery. It's not separate from what we're working on with the 12 steps.
There's some excellent books out there about how 12 steps and forgiveness can go along, could go together and there's been some research on this. And so what they're showing is that forgiveness actually can become a resilient factor. It can become one of those things that if an addict starts to forgive themselves and forgive others, they have a better chance of staying sober. And that's what we as addicts want, is we want our best chance to stay sober. For me, working through forgiveness and trying to live a life of forgiveness is one of the ways that I stay sober. It keeps me away from my addictions.
Melanie: Such an interesting series we are having here with Stoughton Hospital, Tim, thank you so much for contributing to this series in such a meaningful way and sharing your incredible expertise and personal experiences. It makes these episodes so much more relatable.
And that concludes this episode of Stoughton Health Talk. Please visit our website at StoughtonHealth.com. You can also visit ForgivenessFactor.org for more information on these topics. Please remember to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and all the other Stoughton Hospital podcasts. I'm Melanie Cole.
