The death of a loved one is universally difficult and personal. No one can prepare you for the feelings you will experience. Grief resulting from the loss will affect you physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially and economically.
GHS Hospice of the Foothills also extends bereavement support services to all members of the community. We offer these services to those who are dealing with grief, whether or not they’ve had previous contact with our hospice care services.
Listen in as Eunice Lehmacher, EAP Counselor, explains how her mission is to facilitate a safe and healing grief process for all persons in our community who are adjusting to a loss of a loved one.
Selected Podcast
Preparing For the Death of a Loved One
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Learn more about Eunice Lehmacher
Eunice Lehmacher, LISW-CP
Eunice Lehmacher, EAP Counselor, joined EAP as a part time counselor in 2015. She holds a Master’s Degree in Social Work from the Catholic University of America in Washington, DC and a Bachelor’s in Secondary Education from Concordia University. She is a Licensed Independent Social Worker-Clinical Practice with practice experience in community mental health, college mental health, home health, hospice, and private practice. Prior to counseling, she was a high school math teacher. She has been working on the Oconee Medical Campus since 2011. Her specialties include grief, chronic pain and stress, geriatrics, and anxiety, and depression.Learn more about Eunice Lehmacher
Transcription:
Melanie Cole (Host): The death of a loved one is universally difficult and personal. No one can prepare you for the feelings you will experience. My guest today is Eunice Lehmacher. She's a bereavement coordinator at GHS Hospice of the Foothills. Welcome to the show, Eunice. Tell me, first, when you are working with someone who has just lost a loved one, what is the first thing you say to them?
Eunice Lehmacher (Guest): I usually thank them for coming and I will just have them talk about their loved one. Usually, people want to talk about the death and so I let them share what they want to share.
MelanieCole: You say usually people want to talk about the death. Are there some times that people don't want to discuss it or don't want to really acknowledge that it's real?
Lehmacher: Absolutely. Absolutely. Most of the time--I'm the counselor here at the hospice--and most of the time, people come to me several months after the death. The first several weeks with activity related to funerals and bank accounts and burial and so on, there's so much going on and talking about the death is hard but somewhere afterwards, perhaps, in the second to the sixth month, feelings start to come up and then they are more ready to talk. But, yes, there are people that talking doesn't help them. Everybody's different.
MelanieCole: Loss can affect physical health, emotional well-being, the ability to work. How do you work with somebody?
Lehmacher: With grief--and I work with primarily people who are grieving—it's important for them, usually, to express what they're having trouble with. Most people grieving are very sad, for example, and I try to tell them that's normal. Some people who are sad cry a lot, so it's normal to cry. Others don't. So, kind of, they're asking me, "I'm going through this. Is that okay?" There isn't a right way to go through grief. As you said earlier, sometimes denying it is the right thing or being numb to it. Other times, just melting into tears is the right thing. Other times, they are maybe angry or depressed. And so, I just help them face what they're dealing with right now and normalize that and validate. Say, “Those feelings, I get those. That make sense.”
MelanieCole: What do you tell them, Eunice, about holiday time which tends to be the most difficult for people who have lost a loved one?
Lehmacher: Yes, that first holiday is rough. If they've come to me before the holidays, we might do a little preparing. I do focus mostly on them telling me what they're worried about, concerned about, scared of, what is the most sad and listen to that. Then, let them consider if they want to do that again. For example, I got a gift from my husband and I won't this year. So, we might then talk about, “Well, maybe you should buy gifts for yourself that would be something he would have gotten for you.” Or, perhaps it's the gathering. “We used to all get together and I just can't picture doing that this year.” Then, I'll say, "Well, what do you picture doing this year? What would be easier?" I also encourage them not to think forever, right? So, say the loved one died in October. They can't imagine having Christmas dinner at their house this year, but that doesn't mean that they won't do it in a future year. Just try to have them think about what might help them the most right now.
MelanieCole: What about caregiver support groups? And support groups for more than one person who’s lost a loved one?
Lehmacher: I'm glad you asked that. I have found that although people generally like talking to a counsellor individually, it can be even more helpful to talk to somebody who's had a loss like theirs. We have support groups here for people who've lost someone and it often ends up being people who, within the same three months, lost their spouse. The support group, although I've said, “Yes, it's normal to cry or it's normal to have trouble sleeping,” when they hear somebody else saying, "Yes, I can't sleep well." They're like, "Oh! You, too." It gives you the sense of “I'm not crazy. This is normal grief.” More so than a counselor telling you that and they end up helping each other. Like a support group I did yesterday, somebody said they were having a really hard time and afterwards one of the ladies said, "You want to go out to dinner now?" And they went out to dinner together. I know she was doing that partly because she wanted to support this person who had become her friend by being in the group together.
MelanieCole: What about children who have lost their parents or a sibling? Do you work with children as well and how is that different from working with adults?
Lehmacher: I do. We will see anybody, any age. It depends on the age of the child. So, children for example, small children versus teenagers is different than adults. The older you are, after fifteen or so, you’re more likely to actually be able to understand what happened and talk about your feelings and process it verbally. The younger you are, especially under eight or so, you're going to process it more in play or as it comes up in your life. For example, if it's the start of school, then you might notice, “My mom’s is not here at the start of school,” so that the other parent could help the child maybe have a picture of their Mom, and say, “I know your Mom is proud of you for being ready today and will go with you.” So, you figure out when, with very small children, you wait for them almost to bring it up and then you help them at that time. A lot of the work I do with children, I certainly have them here and we play with them. We even have a support group for fifth through eighth grade children who lost a parent but, mostly, I'm helping the parent because they are grieving themselves usually, and they aren't sure how to help their kids. I'm encouraging them to wait for those moments when the child asks a specific question and help them how to figure out, how to answer it and understand the different stages kids go through.
Melanie Cole: If you notice somebody is suffering physically or more mentally, what can you do to help them if they've lost weight or along those lines?
Lehmacher: Grief always has physical components and, yes, losing weight or gaining weight, usually it's the two extremes. Usually, we'll start with helping them notice what's the pattern. “I noticed I eat cookies when I'm feeling really sad,” and then, maybe do you want to stop buying too many cookies? What might help you stop doing that? Or, the other way around, a lot of people say, "I'm just not hungry and I know I should eat." Then, I might help them with like they can't eat at the table they used to with their husband or their mother, so, “Well, have you thought of eating in a different room or in a different place or having a friend over?” So, when the physical symptoms come up, not being able to sleep is a big one, to sort of offer them, first, to start problem solving and where is the problem at? Is it falling asleep? Is it waking in the night? And then, what could you do at that time when it's not working? For a grief, a lot of times, there's a lot of regret and guilt and sometimes people are processing that as they're falling asleep and it can actually make them physically ill. Talking it out with someone well before bedtime can help or coming to a counselor or support group can help, or writing it out. And then, by the time you get to bed you're not processing it so much in your head anymore, but that's just one example. There are many different physical symptoms. Pain is another symptom.
Melanie Cole: In just the last few minutes, Eunice, give your best advice for people who have a loved one that maybe is in hospice or has just recently lost a loved one about getting some grief counseling and getting some help with their bereavement?
Lehmacher: In hospice, it's great how the family tend to come and surround the person who's dying and, of course, there's grief beforehand. You've lost their abilities, you're losing them and so to support each other and to be there for each other, and to let any non-related issues go for the time being. It's worth taking time off work to spend time with your mother. In grief, both before but also after the death, I think we have this storyline in our culture that you always get better. Every day will be better than yesterday or, if you go through these stages, then you'll get through it and it'll be over. And, I'm not sure that's really true. I think you need to just notice what you're experiencing. We're all different. Grief is different for everybody. Take it each day as it comes. So, when you have a sad day, let yourself be sad. Let yourself take off work or not clean house that day. When you have a day that you're feeling energetic, let yourself go out and don't expect necessarily that it will follow a certain course or that it'll be like your sister or your mother, but let you figure out for yourself what you need.
Melanie Cole: That's great information. Thank you so much for being with us today. You're listening to Inside Health with Greenville Health System. For more information, you can go to ghs.org. That's ghs.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.
Melanie Cole (Host): The death of a loved one is universally difficult and personal. No one can prepare you for the feelings you will experience. My guest today is Eunice Lehmacher. She's a bereavement coordinator at GHS Hospice of the Foothills. Welcome to the show, Eunice. Tell me, first, when you are working with someone who has just lost a loved one, what is the first thing you say to them?
Eunice Lehmacher (Guest): I usually thank them for coming and I will just have them talk about their loved one. Usually, people want to talk about the death and so I let them share what they want to share.
MelanieCole: You say usually people want to talk about the death. Are there some times that people don't want to discuss it or don't want to really acknowledge that it's real?
Lehmacher: Absolutely. Absolutely. Most of the time--I'm the counselor here at the hospice--and most of the time, people come to me several months after the death. The first several weeks with activity related to funerals and bank accounts and burial and so on, there's so much going on and talking about the death is hard but somewhere afterwards, perhaps, in the second to the sixth month, feelings start to come up and then they are more ready to talk. But, yes, there are people that talking doesn't help them. Everybody's different.
MelanieCole: Loss can affect physical health, emotional well-being, the ability to work. How do you work with somebody?
Lehmacher: With grief--and I work with primarily people who are grieving—it's important for them, usually, to express what they're having trouble with. Most people grieving are very sad, for example, and I try to tell them that's normal. Some people who are sad cry a lot, so it's normal to cry. Others don't. So, kind of, they're asking me, "I'm going through this. Is that okay?" There isn't a right way to go through grief. As you said earlier, sometimes denying it is the right thing or being numb to it. Other times, just melting into tears is the right thing. Other times, they are maybe angry or depressed. And so, I just help them face what they're dealing with right now and normalize that and validate. Say, “Those feelings, I get those. That make sense.”
MelanieCole: What do you tell them, Eunice, about holiday time which tends to be the most difficult for people who have lost a loved one?
Lehmacher: Yes, that first holiday is rough. If they've come to me before the holidays, we might do a little preparing. I do focus mostly on them telling me what they're worried about, concerned about, scared of, what is the most sad and listen to that. Then, let them consider if they want to do that again. For example, I got a gift from my husband and I won't this year. So, we might then talk about, “Well, maybe you should buy gifts for yourself that would be something he would have gotten for you.” Or, perhaps it's the gathering. “We used to all get together and I just can't picture doing that this year.” Then, I'll say, "Well, what do you picture doing this year? What would be easier?" I also encourage them not to think forever, right? So, say the loved one died in October. They can't imagine having Christmas dinner at their house this year, but that doesn't mean that they won't do it in a future year. Just try to have them think about what might help them the most right now.
MelanieCole: What about caregiver support groups? And support groups for more than one person who’s lost a loved one?
Lehmacher: I'm glad you asked that. I have found that although people generally like talking to a counsellor individually, it can be even more helpful to talk to somebody who's had a loss like theirs. We have support groups here for people who've lost someone and it often ends up being people who, within the same three months, lost their spouse. The support group, although I've said, “Yes, it's normal to cry or it's normal to have trouble sleeping,” when they hear somebody else saying, "Yes, I can't sleep well." They're like, "Oh! You, too." It gives you the sense of “I'm not crazy. This is normal grief.” More so than a counselor telling you that and they end up helping each other. Like a support group I did yesterday, somebody said they were having a really hard time and afterwards one of the ladies said, "You want to go out to dinner now?" And they went out to dinner together. I know she was doing that partly because she wanted to support this person who had become her friend by being in the group together.
MelanieCole: What about children who have lost their parents or a sibling? Do you work with children as well and how is that different from working with adults?
Lehmacher: I do. We will see anybody, any age. It depends on the age of the child. So, children for example, small children versus teenagers is different than adults. The older you are, after fifteen or so, you’re more likely to actually be able to understand what happened and talk about your feelings and process it verbally. The younger you are, especially under eight or so, you're going to process it more in play or as it comes up in your life. For example, if it's the start of school, then you might notice, “My mom’s is not here at the start of school,” so that the other parent could help the child maybe have a picture of their Mom, and say, “I know your Mom is proud of you for being ready today and will go with you.” So, you figure out when, with very small children, you wait for them almost to bring it up and then you help them at that time. A lot of the work I do with children, I certainly have them here and we play with them. We even have a support group for fifth through eighth grade children who lost a parent but, mostly, I'm helping the parent because they are grieving themselves usually, and they aren't sure how to help their kids. I'm encouraging them to wait for those moments when the child asks a specific question and help them how to figure out, how to answer it and understand the different stages kids go through.
Melanie Cole: If you notice somebody is suffering physically or more mentally, what can you do to help them if they've lost weight or along those lines?
Lehmacher: Grief always has physical components and, yes, losing weight or gaining weight, usually it's the two extremes. Usually, we'll start with helping them notice what's the pattern. “I noticed I eat cookies when I'm feeling really sad,” and then, maybe do you want to stop buying too many cookies? What might help you stop doing that? Or, the other way around, a lot of people say, "I'm just not hungry and I know I should eat." Then, I might help them with like they can't eat at the table they used to with their husband or their mother, so, “Well, have you thought of eating in a different room or in a different place or having a friend over?” So, when the physical symptoms come up, not being able to sleep is a big one, to sort of offer them, first, to start problem solving and where is the problem at? Is it falling asleep? Is it waking in the night? And then, what could you do at that time when it's not working? For a grief, a lot of times, there's a lot of regret and guilt and sometimes people are processing that as they're falling asleep and it can actually make them physically ill. Talking it out with someone well before bedtime can help or coming to a counselor or support group can help, or writing it out. And then, by the time you get to bed you're not processing it so much in your head anymore, but that's just one example. There are many different physical symptoms. Pain is another symptom.
Melanie Cole: In just the last few minutes, Eunice, give your best advice for people who have a loved one that maybe is in hospice or has just recently lost a loved one about getting some grief counseling and getting some help with their bereavement?
Lehmacher: In hospice, it's great how the family tend to come and surround the person who's dying and, of course, there's grief beforehand. You've lost their abilities, you're losing them and so to support each other and to be there for each other, and to let any non-related issues go for the time being. It's worth taking time off work to spend time with your mother. In grief, both before but also after the death, I think we have this storyline in our culture that you always get better. Every day will be better than yesterday or, if you go through these stages, then you'll get through it and it'll be over. And, I'm not sure that's really true. I think you need to just notice what you're experiencing. We're all different. Grief is different for everybody. Take it each day as it comes. So, when you have a sad day, let yourself be sad. Let yourself take off work or not clean house that day. When you have a day that you're feeling energetic, let yourself go out and don't expect necessarily that it will follow a certain course or that it'll be like your sister or your mother, but let you figure out for yourself what you need.
Melanie Cole: That's great information. Thank you so much for being with us today. You're listening to Inside Health with Greenville Health System. For more information, you can go to ghs.org. That's ghs.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.
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